My Emptying Nest...

God is good ALWAYS... ALWAYS God is good!! So love the movie God's Not Dead!!... Defiantly an eye opener!!... My faith has returned... I feel a closeness with God now!!... The moment I stepped into the church... my body changed... my thoughts changed..  My being changed... my life changed!!!... I needed it.. I needed to find the road... the path that has been missing for years!!... Everyone needs faith... It's not a topic we talk about at home.. a much different opinion of faith and where our souls will end up... but I know that one day.. I will join my loved ones and see them whole and beautiful.. I know they watch over me... I know that even when things aren't perfect... they are still perfectly imperfect!!! I will never let that go!!... but where is my faith??...

I rely on faith to get me through the difficult times... the painful times... the frustrating times... I continue to ask and pray for help... guidance... patience... cause most times I lack one or all of those!!... I have feelings for things that I can not explain... that I can not justify... I have beliefs... morals... things I will stand my ground on... things that are very important to me... things I try to instill in my kids... no matter their age... they will be my kids... and I their mother!! I demand respect... that my feelings are put into consideration... I do that for others... why can't it be done for me...

I. Am. Stubborn!!!!!! I will beat a dead horse if I feel I am not being listened to!!!... I try to find my faith in those moments.. when they are trying.. when they seem like life is never going my way... more often than not... I beg for things that are unreachable... things that I long for... but can not have... Soooooooooo frustrating,,, where is my faith then???? Why does it hide from me... or do I bury it deep inside and ignore it when I need it most???

I cry... I cry for the pain I feel inside... the emptiness... the longing for those things things that are just within reach... but seem to creep away.... the light disappearing!! Where does it go???... Even when I have faith... even when I pray so hard... I cry because it is not something I need most of the time... just what I want... I cry because my children under estimate me... discredit me... I cry because my feelings are on my sleeves,,, my heart is gold... and often times... it is broken... relationships broken or distant... longing... lonely... Reaching... but not able to grasp... I cry often!!!

Where is my smile... in my faith??... in my love for family??... in my passion for my husband??... in my belief that family comes first??... in my going to church and praising God for all the things he HAS provided???... My children are my world... my husband is my universe.. my parents are my heaven and earth... my grand children... the moon and starts... my in-laws are gems unearthed by love and compassion... but my smile... it fades...

I try... I try sooooooo hard... but sometimes I feel that NO ONE can see what I try to do... just that I did it wrong... or that it's not EXACTLY how it is supposed to be... I try so hard to find the good in things even when there really isn't something good... perfection is something I want... but something that I can not obtain!!... I try and no one sees... I try and fail... but do I really fail??....I feel like I fail but others say I don't... forever a failure... forever searching for the good... for perfection... is my faith hiding then??... Or again... do I choose to bury it and pretend it isn't there??...

Love is unending... enduring... passionate... REAL... painful... empty... joyous... scary... faith... do I see these??... yes I do... do I long for these??... yes I do... do I strive for these... of course... it is the one thing I never want to fade... the one thing that I live passionately to have... should it disappear... I will disappear... faith that it won't... but thoughts that it will... faith will get me through... even if it is apposed... challenged... disregarded... painfully... I will stand by it... defend it... strive for it... faith... love... compassion... longing... wanting... needing...

Faith in myself...