Soooo... if your reading this... and you know me... you know that I am bipolar!! Yeah it's not a BIG deal but a deal non-the-less!!! It is apart of who I am and why I am the way that I am... So I go to therapy and I see a psychiatrist... and I need it... trust me... I need it!!! I sometimes feel like I can't tell things to those who I am supposed to be able to tell things too... I'm over 1000 miles away from my best friend... and sure there is the phone, computer, text messages... but there is no replacement from walking the mall and eating pretzels and spending an hour in Bath & Body Works... that is always one of my favorite forms of therapy...
Now I'm here and I don't have that option... sure there is Mom... and again.. the phone, text, Facebook... but NOT the same... I see a total stranger now... with the typical "How are you???" and the "How does that make you feel???" and lets us not forget "What do you think you should do/feel/look at that??" -UGH- A stranger... someone who has met me 2 or 3 times and think that they can get into my head and make me think differently... If I can't convince myself to think differently... what makes someone else think they can?? And maybe there are things that they think I need to change that I am just fine with?? Well, ok... so I have things I am pretty sure need to be changed... and criticism or maybe idea of how to do things or change things would be welcomed.... -sigh-
So I'm supposed to go to therapy like every 2 weeks... and I am pretty sure with all the medical things going on that I should stick to it... but I always find something to get me to call and cancel the appointment and then not reschedule... she is nice... don't get me wrong... but she seems a bit naive and definitely younger than myself... and should I judge her based on that?? Or based on the mentioned questions above that seem to always be asked.. I don't need to be... well interrogated... or at least that is how I feel.. especially from someone I don't know... I just want someone to listen and not say "Well how could you have handled that differently??" I need the best therapist that I have ever had... but again... over 1000 miles keeps us apart!!!
So what can I do to keep therapy to myself??? To help myself??... Well I guess this is one of the best ways... throw caution to the wind and just write... don't care who reads it... or how they feel when they read it... or how they react to me when they read it... this is therapy for me!! Of course I'm pretty sure that no one reads it anyway... and those that do... don't care!! Talking to Mom from time to time is helpful... but sometimes the things that I need to say aren't things that I want to talk to my Mom about... and of course there is texts and phone calls... but that isn't the same!!!
I guess I just need to stay the course and let it flow the way that it does!!! Just keep my mind straight... my life straight... don't stay from the norm... and maybe things will stay the same or even improve!!
The holidays are very special to me... all holidays... but the one that makes me smile most is Christmas... I love the warmth... the glow... the twinkle... the sparkle... the family-ness (is that a word??)!!! I love the togetherness... the time to spend with those you love... even when distance separates those you love... there is always that bond... phone calls... cards... parties... get-togethers... blessings... love... a time to be present... with family... with friends... even with strangers... the spirit of giving and receiving...
This year is the first year in 10 years that we will be able to spend the holidays with my parents... and the second time in 24 years!!! The boys get to spend time with their grandparents because all too soon they will not be with us... there will be memories... and "remember whens"... talks and laughter of times gone by... traditions... and togetherness!!
I have memories with my grandparents during the holiday season that brings feelings of love and warmth... I miss those days... the days when we would gather at Grandma & Grandpa Johnson's house... all the cousins, Aunts, and Uncles... playing games... movies... pictures... laughing and playing!!! All of us kids gathered around the tree with all Grandma's special ornaments... watching them spin and twirl... the lights twinkle... and oh the presents... all the wrapping and bows... and questions of what could be in each one... Is the biggest one mine... or Jessie's... or Danny's... Is there games??... Toys??.... or the dreaded clothes... Smiles spread across our faces as we open each one... thanking those who took the time to decide on the perfect gift for you... And watching Grandma and Grandpa open their gifts... some thoughtful... others gag gifts... Always a laugh and smile... no hard feelings... always grateful!!!
And Gram & Grandpa Davies... those Christmases just as special... less cousins... but the same really... family... trips up north to the snow and crispness... tree decorated with ornaments passed down from generation to generation... the lights that bubbled... don't ask me what they were... the birds perched on the limbs of the Douglas Fir or Great Northern Pine tree... cut down at the local tree farm... drug through the snow... sap sticking to our fingers... tinsel and stars... home made toys... cookies and candy... oh that hard candy and tasty ribbons or sugary sweetness... hot cocoa with marshmallows... watching the stars twinkle through the windows with the ever famous Santa in his sleigh with the reindeer in flight... the nativity scene and frosty... you know the plastic ones with the lights inside... and the lights... the ones on the eves of the house... the porch... and the garage...
I'm a Gigi (grandma) now and I miss all these things with my grand-kids!! No pictures.. no gatherings... no stories... no twinkling eyes... and bright smiling faces... They are closer now but just not the same as having them down the street or across town... Maybe a call... a card... a video chat... but no warm hugs... candy for the kiddos... presents... wrapping paper... bows... no hot cocoa... peppermints... no spoiling them and watching them smile as they open those brightly wrapped packages... they wonder if they are socks... a book... a toy or video game... I kinda feel cheated... I wonder if this is how Mom & Daddy felt all these years.. So close... but so far away!!
I'll make the best of it all... Cherish this year with Mama & Daddy... cause I could have been spending this holiday without Daddy... He died in front of me a total of 4 times this year... and yet he is here... here to smile with the boys and tell the same story over and over... the boys being polite as they let him do just that... tell that story over and over... I'll cherish this Christmas... and immerse myself in the blessings that I have this year... Mama & Daddy alive and... well mostly well... a beautiful healthy granddaughter.... grandson and granddaughter of the heart... a son-in-law... an adopted son... Bestie and her kids... and so many more friends that are like family... my in-laws... no matter the differences... all blessings... all things and people to be thankful for... and pray for another year to be together...
God is good ALWAYS... ALWAYS God is good!! So love the movie God's Not Dead!!... Defiantly an eye opener!!... My faith has returned... I feel a closeness with God now!!... The moment I stepped into the church... my body changed... my thoughts changed.. My being changed... my life changed!!!... I needed it.. I needed to find the road... the path that has been missing for years!!... Everyone needs faith... It's not a topic we talk about at home.. a much different opinion of faith and where our souls will end up... but I know that one day.. I will join my loved ones and see them whole and beautiful.. I know they watch over me... I know that even when things aren't perfect... they are still perfectly imperfect!!! I will never let that go!!... but where is my faith??...
I rely on faith to get me through the difficult times... the painful times... the frustrating times... I continue to ask and pray for help... guidance... patience... cause most times I lack one or all of those!!... I have feelings for things that I can not explain... that I can not justify... I have beliefs... morals... things I will stand my ground on... things that are very important to me... things I try to instill in my kids... no matter their age... they will be my kids... and I their mother!! I demand respect... that my feelings are put into consideration... I do that for others... why can't it be done for me...
I. Am. Stubborn!!!!!! I will beat a dead horse if I feel I am not being listened to!!!... I try to find my faith in those moments.. when they are trying.. when they seem like life is never going my way... more often than not... I beg for things that are unreachable... things that I long for... but can not have... Soooooooooo frustrating,,, where is my faith then???? Why does it hide from me... or do I bury it deep inside and ignore it when I need it most???
I cry... I cry for the pain I feel inside... the emptiness... the longing for those things things that are just within reach... but seem to creep away.... the light disappearing!! Where does it go???... Even when I have faith... even when I pray so hard... I cry because it is not something I need most of the time... just what I want... I cry because my children under estimate me... discredit me... I cry because my feelings are on my sleeves,,, my heart is gold... and often times... it is broken... relationships broken or distant... longing... lonely... Reaching... but not able to grasp... I cry often!!!
Where is my smile... in my faith??... in my love for family??... in my passion for my husband??... in my belief that family comes first??... in my going to church and praising God for all the things he HAS provided???... My children are my world... my husband is my universe.. my parents are my heaven and earth... my grand children... the moon and starts... my in-laws are gems unearthed by love and compassion... but my smile... it fades...
I try... I try sooooooo hard... but sometimes I feel that NO ONE can see what I try to do... just that I did it wrong... or that it's not EXACTLY how it is supposed to be... I try so hard to find the good in things even when there really isn't something good... perfection is something I want... but something that I can not obtain!!... I try and no one sees... I try and fail... but do I really fail??....I feel like I fail but others say I don't... forever a failure... forever searching for the good... for perfection... is my faith hiding then??... Or again... do I choose to bury it and pretend it isn't there??...
Love is unending... enduring... passionate... REAL... painful... empty... joyous... scary... faith... do I see these??... yes I do... do I long for these??... yes I do... do I strive for these... of course... it is the one thing I never want to fade... the one thing that I live passionately to have... should it disappear... I will disappear... faith that it won't... but thoughts that it will... faith will get me through... even if it is apposed... challenged... disregarded... painfully... I will stand by it... defend it... strive for it... faith... love... compassion... longing... wanting... needing...
Faith in myself...
So I finally have time to write. Not as busy as I used to be. Lots of changes... maybe too many changes... all at once.
Hubby... stubborn... drives me to distraction... loving.. caring... joker... boaster... always right even when he isn't... cooks like a chef... provider... loving father (when he wants to be)... fabulous Poppy... smart... intelligent... big thinker... avid video game player... lover of all nature... lover of me... veteran through and through... our love is unending!!
Daughter moving out... married... Not a big fan... kids... new (biological) granddaughter... some disappointment but still full of love... veteran... Air Force Wife... stubborn!
Son... graduating HS.... going to college... engaged... not engaged... dreamer... faithful... giver of the warmest and softest hugs ever... new girlfriend... not so happy about it... not my choice... growing... moving on... disappearing :(
Youngest son... growing too fast... very bright.. has dreams and goals... too smart for his own good... high school already... where did time go... taller than me... MUCH taller than me... sweet and lovable.. just like a warm teddy bear... please stop growing.. not ready for the empty nest.
Mama... so happy to be around here... sweet... caring... compassionate... loving... willing to do anything to help... best mom ever... perfect Grandma... teacher... cheerleader... sometimes drives me crazy... her faith is unending... family first... always has been... watches sappy movies... did I say best mom ever???...
Daddy... big ol' teddy bear... can be a big ol' grizzly bear... sometimes intimidating... heart of pure gold.... faithful.. warm... loving... always the provider... striving for excellence... supporter... awesome Grandpa...
Tears more often than not... relieved to be close to my parents... but miss my in-laws too... Dry and warm... no more snow and ice.... longest move ever... more plane rides than I ever have had... days in the hospital with Daddy... help to take care of mama... life has changed... need to adapt and grow... faith... always with God... God is good ALWAYS!!!... try to be everything for everyone... Miss BESTIE more than life itself... it hurts... more tears... trying to live one day at a time....
Is there more?? Probably... but the highlights have been touched... more to come... forever emotional... Prayers accepted... love to all!!!
I am slowly working on this and getting it the way that I would like to look. Keep your eyes peeled for new things coming my way!!!
Blessings,
Tammy
